pandy

Hey guys/gals.

Not alot of people know this about me, but I met my wife on the net about 8 years ago.

We got along really well, I honestly thought we would be together forever, I still wish it could be that way.

Anyways, Ill cut this bit short but include it, we met for real 2 years after we first met and married a year later, I decided to come to the USA as she hated London and things started well.

But then it was becoming clear that her family have problems, I dont want to rag on them but they seriously do not have any human or emotional skills.

I am unable to talk to my wife about things, she just immediately tells me I am wrong or am being stupid.. And I can only take this for so long (this time it has been 11 months) before I lose my temper and raise my voice.

Now in my family we argued alot, we considered it very healthy and a good way to 'cry it out' but then my family are very close and loving, we have been through alot together (including the loss of my dad) and it really hurts because I feel that I could never really open up and talk to my wife because it frustrates me so much emotionally that I lose my temper.

Well last saturday after explaining to her very calmly and softly for weeks that I felt she didnt offer me enough affection I lost my temper with her for the first time in 2 years.. By lose my temper I mean raise my voice.. I NEVER ever get physical or violent, I love women and have the upmost respect for them as my mother raised me when my dad died when I was 7.. I feel that HONESTLY I didnt do anything that was seriously wrong, I mean jees I cant be perfect 100% of the time or I wouldnt be human.

So after repeatedly telling her over and over how I feel with my heart in my hands she just ignored me.

She went out to a club on friday (nothing untoward she went with friends from her old workplace.. one was a dude, but I *do* trust her.)

She rolled in at 4am saturday morning after I sat up worrying about her all night, again this was completely innocent.

In the morning we both got up around 11am and she told me that she was going for breakfast with this dude who she used to work with, he is a mutual friend of ours in his early 40s so I trust him, I do.. I wasnt very happy about it though because it was supposed to be 'our day' but hey, I wanted her to be happy.

So we went, we came home and she went back to bed and was asleep all day, until 7:30pm.

By this time I was really upset, it was almost like she had totally ignored that I needed some affection and was continuing to do her own thing.

And I again tried to talk to her about this when she awoke and again she just kept disagreeing with me and I snapped and yelled at her saying that she wouldnt pull the shit with me that she does with her friends.

That was it, it was literally me yelling that one line.

She left me. walked out and went to her mother's.

So feeling really guilty (and Im confused as to whether I even should have felt bad) I drove down to her mothers (nearly an hour away) to try and apologise.. But when I got there she wouldnt let me in the house, and told me that her mother didnt want me in the house. So very calmly I asked her what she had told her mother, and she slammed the door in my face.

I havent seen her since.

Tuesday night when I came home from work I had a message on my answerphone, it was from my brother in law.. It consisted of.

"you f***ing british piece of shit, go back to england before I f*** you up motherf***er"

Im not scared of her brother, Im not scared of anyone.. I kinda lost my fear when my dad died as I realised then that its not worth ruining your life with fear. but it hurt, it really did and I got really mad.

I wanted to go down there and go to work on him, but I chose instead to just go on with life as normal, I phoned the cops and they came around and they too (in not so many words) said that they wanted to give him a good kicking.. Infact they even sat here for 30 mins waiting to see if he would call back so that they could answer the phone.

Well I still havent seen her, and its becoming apparent that she wants nothing to do with me.

So I am going to have the face the unthinkable yet innevitable fact that its over..

I dont want to go back to the UK, all of my friends there werent really friends, they were all drug taking criminals, and I didnt like who I had to be there to stay alive, you have to be a real nasty f*** there to stop people from messing with you.. I never want to go back to that.

My friend is a part of Irish pride.. theyre kinda like skinheads but theyre not racist.. hes the one who snapped my seat out of the car floor.. very big guy.. well he wants to pay my brother in law a visit, but all I want to be honest is to move on with my life.

Im trying hard to get on with my life, I am going to stay here as I would rather suicide than the complete upheaval of my life.

The problems are as follows.

Come 4 weeks and I will have nowhere to live. the contract on the apartment expires and I could never afford to run the place alone. I dont even earn enough ALL MONTH to cover the rent and utils.

Finding a room to stay in wouldnt be very hard, would be hard for me but thats not what worries me.

What is scaring the crap out of me is the feeling of 'all alone.' but even moreso the fact that if my car breaks down I am going to be in severe trouble. I dont have any money saved as I still hadnt finished putting my life back together after the 5 year stint with no greencard, and if my car broke down badly I would lose my job.

In that scenario obviously the first thing to do would be to go back to england like it or not.. but I dont have the money I would need to do that either.

So with all that said, and now you guys know the situation I am in I wanted to ask a favor.

I dont expect anyone to give me money... thats not, NOT what i am asking.

What I really need to know right now is that if I ever needed my car fixed that there would be someone to help me.. I could afford parts, but not repair bills.

I know this sounds stupid but over the coming months I am going to have to rely on my car 1000000%, and, if anything happens to it then I am going to be completely screwed.

I really could do with a better paying job, mine's completely shit.. So if anyone is in or around south jerz and knows of any work then please, contact me.

I hate to ask for help but I dont have anyone now, I have no family and didnt have any friends really because I chose to totally devote myself to my wife.. I dont drink, have never been to a strip bar and have completely made myself dependant on my wife.

I saw our marriage as a team, something we would both be devoted too, but I guess she doesnt see it the same way and now it looks like thats over.

zoned019

Wow man...I think my longest relationship is like 6-7 months, so I can't offer any advice there...lol.

Also, Jersey is pretty far from WI..

I wish you best of luck though, and this really sucks what you're going through. But, someday, maybe you'll find out this was for the best...though right now such thoughts probably aren't even fathomable (word??) by you.

Also, if you really needed it, I'm sure we could run a fundraiser? We've done it for many people on here..I think we made patreezy like $500 in under a week? If so, I'd donate a few bucks.

good luck bro..

Korean_Redneck

Man, I wish I could help you out bro. Sorry to hear about your unfortunate day. I don't see anything wrong that you yelled at her. I think she is overly too sensitive. I thought that was wrong that your brother-in-law said that you're a British piece of shit In my opinion, I think she has a problem.....Good luck brother.

pandy

I dont know if my wife knows about the deal with my brother in law.. I would imagine she doesnt.

Anyway, he isnt mad that I might have yelled at her, first and most foremostly she never speaks to him, not 'speaks to him' if you know what I mean.. They never really got on AT ALL, she still has scars on her back from where he pushed her into the fireplace, he CONSTANTLY hit her when they were growing up, right up until I arrived her.

Whats causing him to be angry is that she is back there, he is really locked within himself and hates being around people.. since her father left her mother he has been the man of the house, with my wife back there I know he will be getting pissed off.

It would be the most hypocritical instance if he dared get angry at me for yelling at her, honestly whats pissing him off is that shes back there and hes lost the run of the house, and they dont get along even now, infact the last time we were over there together he and my wife got into a really nasty argument and as usual I played the peacemaker.

When they were kids he would beat her all the time, so much so that it went to councilling and my wife told the councilor about how he hit her... he beat the shit out of her as soon as they got home and she said nothing at all the future meetings.

This is why she cant talk about things, she just cannot communicate with me instead throwing up a wall of defence and I can only take that for so long before losing my temper and yelling.

I have to play peacemaker between her and her mother all the time too, last time we were there I ended up putting 4 boxes full of trash in my tiburon because she tried forcing my wife to take them with her but my wife got an attitude and refused, they had a big argument and I put them in my car (my wife and i had driven there seperately that day because her back was hurting and she hates my seats, and I hate being out of my car) so I had to put the boxes through my tailgate and over the shelf in the back because my front seats dont tilt.

It's always been like this, always.

Her mother has said some really nasty things to and about me, and I have NEVER been disrespectful to her, I have always tried to make them see that they should love one another.. I have NEVER EVER heard my wife tell her mother that she loves her in the 8 years I have been with her.

And thats another story.. After my wifes dad left her mum my wife asked my mother in law why she freaked out when my wife slept over there, they got into an argument (as usual) and my mother in law said to my wife "I never even wanted you, it was all your father's idea to try and save the marriage"

And those are just very small examples of my wife's upbringing.. basically her dad hated her mum and worked 14 hours a day and my wife never saw him, she was spoilt with money by her dad and her mother was a cold spiteful person who raised my wife to bottle everything inside.

My wife suffers with stresses of doing that so badly that her hair has been slowly falling out for 4 years, not to the point that shes bald but its bad. she's 24.

Osv4

Damn..so sad to hear..im not really experienced with this, im only 19 so wouldnt know much. But what ive noticed is that if a person loses the interest in other person, then they start fighting over such little things that b4 it would all go down witout a word mentioned..but when this happens it all falls apart..feel very sorry for u..very unlucky...

As with the job..well its hard to say what you could do..Just think of what you good at..If you are strong physicly and prepered to work hard maybe try some construction work, labour or something. I live in Australia, so it might be different, but here its one of the quickest methods to earn money. This could be a temporary solution until u can stand up on ur feet.

Good luck man...Hopefuly it will work out good..

pandy

By the way I just wanted to point out some more things.

People at work keep telling me to go and talk to her, but I cant.

She has left me on numerous occasions before and EVERYTIME right or wrong I go back on my hands and knees.

Last year I was at rock bottom, her dad kicked me out of his house because of the INS thing and I was really down.. I was living in an unfinished basement and had the same issue then, basically that I needed more time with her and affection. got ignored and yelled at her, she refused to see me for about 2 weeks.

I ended up admitting it was all my fault, it kind of was but the situation I was in made me very mentally ill.

I ended up taking anti depressants that didnt really help they just made me tired, I tried to explain to her that it was the circumstances my life was in and that she too was at fault. But I took all the blame AND took those pills just to make it up to her.

and its always been like this, I am always the one to go crawling back and thats why it has come to this.

I love her, I do.. right now I want to die but Im too emotionally strong for that, my body will give in before my will does.. I have been crying, not eating very much and have serious indigestion because of it.. I havent been sleeping much and have been working all the hours god sends to prepare for life alone.

I so much want to go down there and get down on my hands and knees, but I cant, I cant do it because of me.

Some day I am going to have to stick up for myself so that I dont get walked on.

As I said, I dont go out drinking, I dont go out with friends apart from the odd day fishing here and there (3 times all year) and I am totally loyal and devoted to her.. I even get nervous when an american chick flirts with me and cant make eye contact.. All I ever think about is my wife, she is my entire world.

But I must do this, even if it means the end. She basically has gotten to the stage where she talks to me like she talks to her mother and her brother, I am always bending for her (I mean for f***s sake I havent even seen my own mother in 3 years and havent seen my brother in 5) and I always give in and give her the comfort that she is right, I can no longer afford that to her, not this time.

As I say, I really do feel utterly terrible for yelling at her, but deep down my conciousmess is saying "f***ing hell man all you did was shout, she should stop being a baby and maybe shout back" honestly, I just dont see what the hell I really did that was so terrible that she would walk away and ignore me for nearly a week now.

I know she loves me, Im sure of that.. but she cant show it to me and obviously feels love in a different way to me.. My love never strays never leaves and I will die for her.. Her way is very distant.

Osv4

Man its realy f*cuked up for u...

I noticed that wit r'ships, if one person always gives up the fight and says "its my fault, im sorry" then the other just doesnt feel when he/she starts acting wrong..And wats worse, they know that they can walk out whenever they want and come back, cos the other person will be there waiting for them..(Happened to me a few times..) Its a real pain in the @ss cos in the end they dont give a sh1t about your feelings..They just take all that for granted and theres nuthing you can do..There was this saying (cant remember it right): If you love someone - let them go, if they come back - they need you, if they dont - they never gave a sh1t..

You just cant give up man...Just push urself and keep going, change everything if you have to: lifestyle, job, city..But if u put ur arms down and say "thats it.." this wont do any good for u..

pandy

I wont give up. Thats official.

Ive had a really shit life in all honesty.

When I was 7 my bro and me found nan dead in the bathroom, a year later dad went out to play football one october and died on the field, he was 35.

A year after I was ran over by a car, broke my themur, shattered my right knee and broke my back (not a bad one) and fractured my skull, I was bed bound for 3 months in traction because of the themur, I cant walk properly on cold days.

I was off my feet for nearly a year, then when I was 13 I got a hernia in my groin about the size of a grapefruit, they fixed it, it came back and ruptured, I nearly died and was in hospital for a couple of weeks, I have a scar about 8 inches across from the top of my thing right over to my side.

I have had all kinds of problems with the ligaments in my lower back because of the back thing when I was ran over, that went on for years.

And I keep going.. Nothing will stop me.

As I said, Im not scared of anything, I have been there and seen it all, all kinds of pain and all kinds of emotions.. I still remember as clear as morning the day my dad died, we were over my uncles and he came home in tears and then I remember him telling my mother "hes gone.. there was nothing they could do" and that was 25 years ago, it will always haunt me.

But nothing keeps me down.. My body will give out before my spirit does.

And I think that is why I truly appreciate my wife, even though she is miles from perfect and any normal person would see her problems and her family and run a mile. She only had one boyfriend before she met me, she was frightened of becoming close to anyone. And I think that is the problem.

I dont doubt she loves me, you never truly fall out of true love, you only learn not to think about it... But I need to feel that love.. It's all well and good being in her mind but I need her to express it to me, I dont want to do 7 years on the couch like her father did.

I know she cares about me too, but honestly sometimes just knowing isnt enough, I need to be shown.

As I said she doesnt cope with life very well, and I am all out of the energy and patience to deal with that because there doesnt seem to be anythign there but anger, and its pretty much always been like this from the day we met.

She pisses other people off too, all of my friends say she is miserable and I usually say "well shes just shy" which is true, but then in complete honesty she never seems to be very happy.

Im happy because I want to be, some days I feel like shit and wonder why I bother but I drive myself to snap out of it.. Its only when you have faced true misery that you can really know what happiness is..

Osv4

Man damn that is really bad luck...cant even think of the words to decribe this...I thought my life was a bit messed up..but anyway its nice to hear u havent given up! Keep pushing it! There is always some sort of reward in the end for all the hard bits that life gives us..

Mad-Machine

damn man... I am going to have to come up there and visit you sometime. See if we can't find you a job somewhere that pays better.