I hadnt cried in about 10 years.
I dont know why, I mean I know it does you alot of good..

I've had this flu now for about a month, tired, no energy at all and a nagging cough thats been f***ing me at work and making me lose sales.

Couple that with the fact that I have been trying real hard to be upbeat whilst getting f***ed by a couple of women and the fact Im moving out and got so much going on..

Saturday I got up at 8am. That's when it all started going wrong.

I went to dunkin donuts to get a large coffee, told the paki creamer and f***ing sugar and the see you next tuesday (or c*** for short) didnt put any sugar in. Time I realised I was half way up the road.

Too late to turn back, f*** it. drink the shit.

Got to the car wash, rip off.. You get 2 minutes with a power hose for $2. Jesus.
Anyways cost me about $8 to wash the car which I can live with. But then I noticed a asphalt mark on my side skirt about 10 inches long. I dont have any compound and it looks awful. Must have picked it up on the way home from maryland. f*** it, leave it for now...

I put 4 quarters in the towell machine. No towell and the machine is so f***ing prehistoric you cant get a refund. Ok, next machine, another dollar, another f***ing empty machine.
And that happened 2 more times. Then the same with the f***ing air freshener machine. Lost $5. Which isnt alot but Im counting pennies right now as Im f***ing skint.

So then I went to the florists.. Got a bunch of roses for Hilary, $25.

Drove home sorta cold damp and sniffly. Tired as shit.

Get home the phone rings. She starts making excuses. Next thing you know shes bottled out.. There goes all that f***ing work and money.

I got off the phone. Head spinning, thinking "what the f*** did I do wrong?" Then my hotmail makes a noise through messenger. Its the wife emailing me more f***ing venom. She has a habit of turning up when I dont need it.

I went to the bedroom around 2pm. Burst into tears and lie there sobbing for about 4 hours. Like a little kid. I couldnt catch my breath and I couldnt stop. It just went on and on.. In the end I fell asleep about 7pm and got up at 10am on sunday. I guess I was just totally exhausted.

It's done me alot of good though. I at least had the energy to be stressed at work yesterday lol.

As for Hilary? she has issues. I know how it feels to have that kind of anxiety because I have suffered with it myself.

You want something really badly. but youre not capable of *doing* it. You just end up adhering to that voice in your head that tells you to run and hide in safety.

Its a shame. Shes a lovely girl but shes afraid. So I wrote a nice note on the flowers that said.

"Hilary. You're a really sweet girl and deserve a great life.
But life is too short to be afraid
Andy XX"

I walked into her work and put them on the main desk. As I turned to walk away I heard the receptionist reading it aloud.

Obviously there was a message there, a subliminal one. I dont know if she will get it but it took alot of balls for me to do that, I was shaking all the way there.

I find things hard. I tend to put on a brave face because that is what I am programmed to do I spose. But I am human and I do have feelings and they tend to get me hurt alot.

Ah well. f*** it.

 

actually sometime in the last week, i was playing some songs that i listened to growing up and the next thing i know i started to think about how i am technicly grown up and that i wouldnt be home in a long time to do all the things i loved to do especially the silly things. so ya i started to cry when i realized i am married, grown up, stuck in iraq, still have no clue what i want to do with my life.so pandy i feel you on needing to cry it had been a good amount of years for me as well. i hope things go better. maybe we can hit the bar sometime

 

I did a couple saturdays ago. REALLY low blood sugar, lack of sleep, having to always pretend to be cheery and perky for work, stress from a dumbass man yanking me around emotionally, my family and friends giving me a hard time about aforementioned guy & when I went to leave work, my car battery gave me hell. It all just finally broke me. I left work early and slept all day.
I felt so much better afterwards, though. Things'll get better for you, soon, babe.

 

OH man, hahaha

2001.

I 18 years old and I was in my 2nd week of bootcamp. When I received my first letter from home.. busted out crying.. I was that homesick. Fortunatly, I cried in the bathroom and nobody saw me.

 

it wasnt when my ex gf broke up with me, but 2-3 months later when i realized this wasnt going to be something we were going to get back together after. guess i was in denile for awhile but when it hit, it hit hard 02.gif

I hope shit starts going better for you, a person can only take so much

 

i dont cry. i push all my emotional baggage into a fluid filled sack in the back of my brain that will eventually mature into a tumor and rupture in oh, probably about 10 years or so.

i've teared up occasionally in good movies, but ive never just let loose and wept about crazy shit in my life. maybe ill drink myself stupid one night with that as a goal. gotta get some girls to see it, it wont happen often and im almost sure it would be guaranteed sex with atleast one out of 6 girls.

 

I shed a good ammount of tears. And it comes out in my voice when I talk.
But Saturday was a total emotional crash.

It had nothing to do with Hilary really, or the girl before (Ms Anonymous) or my wife or anything else.

My car system has been tempremental for weeks. It works perfectly some days and others it doesnt. Usually messes up when I am not in the mood to ignore it and then it gives me the run around.

I have replaced 90% of the cables to it and still it persisted.

I suppose my crash was just an accumulation of every damn thing all at once landing on me like a ton of bricks, I suppose you can only hold off the inivitable for so long.

Im glad I got it out tho, man, my pillow was frikkin soaked afterwards lmao.gif

Today the run of bad luck continued.
Got up, went to bite a package for food and my front tooth broke. Leaving about a 2mm stump with black shit on it. I suppose it was rotten in the root and I didnt know. I sound and look f***ing terrible now lol.

BUT. I did find out what the hell is with my system. Basically one of the speaker wires ON the amp board is loose. So I will fix that after work.

The tooth? Im kinda f***ed really. They dont do cosmetic on my ins. I might have to start saying it hurts wink1.gif

2 more women are interested in me. But there'e bad news written all over it, there really is.

One has a BF she apparently hates and wants to leave (deja f***in vu) and the other has health issues.

Screw it. I dont care, Im not touching either with a 40ft pole.

I need a woman who doesnt have any issues, Im tired of helping others.

They say you're in control of your own destiny? pfft yeah sure. You are right up until you let ONE f***ing person into your life to lose grip of that control.

I am lonely as hell, and I hate living alone. I do want a woman. But Im f***ed if Im going to play "oh listen how cute he looks and sounds" anymore. Screw it.

It's always been horrible tbh, women here see me as an accent and a pretty face. Nice car. and so on.

NONE see the person inside of me and Im tired of being some kind of object.

So Im going to leave my tooth all f***ed up and see who really cares then lmao.gif

 

You've came to the wrong country for that.

 

I think I don't have emotions anymore.. I'm starting to feel like kind of a cold person.

 

the last time i cried was march 24. My grandfather died...3 months before i graduated. He was the last one on my dads side of the family and it f***ing sucked.

it was really weird, because when my grandmother died i had to make myself cry so my dad/family would feel better...so i'm kind of with DTN, especially lately- i really just dont care anymore. I have no feelings torward anyone/anything...