DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women often use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It’s especially useful for slicing work clothes but only while in use.

BLEEPITY-BLEEP TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "BLEEPITY-BLEEP!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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First post!

Great list, I've experienced alot of the alternate uses before. Really funny mang.

You forgot the wire-wheel also can turn you into a porcupine.

Dremmel: Used to melt plastic by generating extreme heat. Alternately can be used to place precision marks non-uniformly and unexpectedly across a large area while attempting to use for cutting.

Pneumatic impact wrench: Used for emplacement of bolts and nuts which are to never be removed, and rounding the edges of bolts which are meant to be removed.

pneumatic cutoff wheel: Great for testing hardness of metalic surfaces when used in conjunction with a outside diameter caliper. Alternately can be used to wrap clothes up into a tight ball which require the use of another cutting tool to remove.

Torque wrench with 1/2" drive: Utterly worthless except to test maximum load torque of any threaded object.

 

The "Mechanic's Knife" definition is missing this part: Also used to examine the tendons of one's hand.

Flat-head Screwdriver: Used to test the puncture resistance of one's hand.

Box-end wrench larger than 5/8": Used to link with smaller wrench to make said smaller wrench longer. Great for bending smaller wrenches.