Saw that col96fx always posts jokes every little bit and figured I'd throw my hat into the ring. Just something I came across in an email, thought I would share it.


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course!" comes the reply.
The first man asks "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
"You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round for Ireland."
"Of course!" replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "where in Ireland are you from??"
"Dublin,"
"I can't believe it!! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course!" replies the second man.
Even more curious now, the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," he replies "I graduated in '62"
"This is unbelievable, " exclaims the first man, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, as well."
About this time another man, a regular, enters the bar and sits down. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender, nodding to the two at the end of the bar.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender, "the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

Lol..

 

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

//// that's awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO!!!

 

to go along with these aircraft complaints...

we had a pilot come down with an AIM-9 problem. The forms read: "missile would not talk." So my team chief's corrective action in the forms read: "walked up to missile, tried to talk to missile, missile would not talk back, R squared missile. ops check good."

we got into a bit of trouble about that, but it was funny as hell while we did it. The pilot laughed about it too!

 

My favorites LOL!~ i actually laughed out loud for the first one, problem is i was drinking milk = mess

the cat/mouse one was good too

 

I like the midget one.



What about that poor midget stuck behind the dash?? confused.gif

 

Those airplane ones are pretty good smile.gif

 

Actually Qantas has had an accident now. http://www.atsb.gov.au/atsb/media/mrel008.cfm
Qantas is asking the Australian public to accept there is no systemic problem with its maintenance and safety procedures, following the second accident for the airline in less than a year.

Over 320 passengers and crew aboard a Boeing jumbo jet had a terrifying experience at Rome airport on the weekend when an undercarriage strut snapped as the aircraft was turning for take-off.

While Qantas is treating this as a serious accident, it says it is not related to what happened last September when another jumbo overshot the runway at Bangkok airport.


Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
How do you make an elephant float? Add ice cream
A man responded to an ad in a Florida newspaper "Talking dog for sale. $20"

Upon arrivng at the residence where the talking dog resided, he was shown to a bedroom where the dog reclined on the bed.

"What's happenin', man?" the dog asked.

Dumbfounded, the man could only inquire, "What are you doing in Florida?"

The dog replied, "Well, I came to Florida to retire. I was a sled dog in Alaska, and then I went to Hollywood where I starred in several movies. I was a guard dog for several celebrities, but I got bored, so I moved to New York and became a search and rescue dog. I was there on 9/11 and worked day and night at the Twin Towers, injured myself in the rubble. I decided it was time to retire."

The potential buyer could not believe his ears and ran excitedly back to the livingroom where the owner of the dog sat watching TV.

"Why on earth are you selling this dog for $20?!!"

"Because he's a liar!!"

 

A sexy gradeschool teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils and she asked them "Okay, if three birds are sitting on a fence and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys (let's call him Johnny) raised his hand and the teacher called upon him, "None, " he answered.
"No, I'm sorry, the answer is two," the teacher replied.

"But, if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?"

"Well, that's still wrong but I like the way you think!"

The boy then pipes up, "Okay, I have a question for you, if three women are standing on a sidewalk eating icecream and one is just nibbling it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it down her throat.......which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I suppose it would be the third one." The boy glances casually at his teacher.

"Nope, it is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

-------------------------

A high school teacher was reminding her class about tomorrow's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious personal injury or illness, or a death in the immediate family - but that's it, no exceptions and no excuses of any kind.

A smart-@$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhuastion?"

The entire class stiffles their laughter. When everyone is quiet, the teach smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well I guess you'll have to write the exam with your other hand then won't you?"