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Man goes into a chinese restaurant and is less than impressed with the food. He complains to the waiter: "This chicken is rubbery!"

The reply comes back: "oh, thank you berry much!"

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An insect repellent salesman, traveling through the countryside, came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir," he said, "my bug spray works so well that I guarantee you will never be bitten again."

The farmer was skeptical, so he made the young man a proposition. "I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray" said the farmer. "In the morning, if there isn't a single bite on you, I will buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went out to the cornfield and he striped. The farmer then sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

The next morning, the farmer went back out to the cornfield and, sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging from his bonds, without a single bite on him. Not one bite, and yet he was a total wreck, looking pale, haggard and drawn.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "you don't have one bite on you and yet you look like hell. What the devil happened?"

"For crying out loud, mister," the salesman gasped, "doesn't that calf have a mother?!?!"

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager? "she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

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Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem.

The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports."

"Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

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A 16 year old country-girl asked her maw, "Can I start dating now?

Maw replies, "Yes, but if them boys try to get into your pants, you just ask them what they plan on naming the baby!"

On her first date with country-boy Jim-Bob, he starts to foolin' around, and as her maw suggested, asked him "What you gonna name the baby?", and he took her right home.

On her second date with country-boy Jo-Bob, he starts to foolin' around too, and she askes the same question again, "What'cha gonna name the baby?", and he immediately takes her home too.

On her third date with a city-boy, when asked the same question, he replies, "I'll tell you when we're finished."

After going all the way, she asks him again about naming the baby. He holds up a condom, ties a knot in the end and says, "If that little bastard gets out of here, we name him Houdini!"

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A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friends replies, "A carnation??"

"No. No. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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A fat lady rides the bus to work every day. On this particular day, she badly needs to fart, but the bus is quite crowded. Thinking ahead, she decides she will let rip when the bus crosses over the railroad tracks down the road, which always causes a noisy racket. That ought to give her enough cover, she thinks.

So when the bus comes to the crossing, the fat lady tips up on one cheek and a billowing cloud of compressed gas errupts loudly from her rectum. Unfortunately, instead of barreling over the tracks like he normally does, the bus driver downshifts and slows to a quick, silent stop.

You could have heard a pin drop, if it wasn't for the fat lady, unable to snap her sphincter shut in mid-fart, thus having no choice but to finish what she started.

Deciding it would be best if she just acted as though nothing untoward had happened, the fat lady decides to start a conversation with the man sitting across the aisle.

"Do you have a transfer?" she asks him.

"No I don't," he replies. "But the next tree we pass, I'll try and grab you a handful of leaves."

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It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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A lady's grandson is playing in the water while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet. All of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy was wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A minute later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on to the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The loud voice booms again, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."