How To Poop At Work.........
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How To Poop At Work.........
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees
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From: Huntsville, AL
Vehicle: 2001/Hyundai/Tiburon
Man, you gotta warn people before posting stuff like that! There was still a coworker in my office, and I just about killed myself trying to hold in the laughter. Seriously, I laughed all the air out of my lungs and it felt like my lungs almost collapsed. Managed to not let out a sound though, but my chest hurts now.
Watermelon, jailbreak, crop dusting, turd burglar, that's too funny!
Flyby: I will never think of this emoticon the same!!
Watermelon, jailbreak, crop dusting, turd burglar, that's too funny!
Flyby: I will never think of this emoticon the same!!
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,881
Likes: 0
From: Huntsville, AL
Vehicle: 2001/Hyundai/Tiburon
Have a few more to add. I think about this thread every time I go at work...
Submarine:
A turd that sinks to the bottom of the water.
Logging:
Opposite of a Submarine, this is one that floats on the top of the water.
Log jam:
Too much in there. You just plugged it up.
Niagra Falls:
After a Log jam, continually flushing to break up the jam, but then overflowing the commode.
Battleship:
You know you do it. When you're Logging, and you intentionally aim and try to hit a floating turd.
Dead man walking:
One who proudly assists an Escapee, this is the person who intentionally forces a fart out while at the urinal. Frequently followed by grunts of approval.
Ice Rink:
Laying down a few layers of toilet paper to minimize the damage of a Watermelon.
Bar hopping:
Peeking into a stall to inspect the cleanliness and contents of the stall before finally selecting an acceptable location.
Awkward Extrovert:
That guy who will make conversation with you during the whole event. Worse when they comment on the odor of the restroom, particularly when you were the one who did it. Frequently this is a convicted Turd Burglar.
Submarine:
A turd that sinks to the bottom of the water.
Logging:
Opposite of a Submarine, this is one that floats on the top of the water.
Log jam:
Too much in there. You just plugged it up.
Niagra Falls:
After a Log jam, continually flushing to break up the jam, but then overflowing the commode.
Battleship:
You know you do it. When you're Logging, and you intentionally aim and try to hit a floating turd.
Dead man walking:
One who proudly assists an Escapee, this is the person who intentionally forces a fart out while at the urinal. Frequently followed by grunts of approval.
Ice Rink:
Laying down a few layers of toilet paper to minimize the damage of a Watermelon.
Bar hopping:
Peeking into a stall to inspect the cleanliness and contents of the stall before finally selecting an acceptable location.
Awkward Extrovert:
That guy who will make conversation with you during the whole event. Worse when they comment on the odor of the restroom, particularly when you were the one who did it. Frequently this is a convicted Turd Burglar.
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2008
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From: Floating around the AUDM
Vehicle: X3 Sprint, S-Coupe Turbo
Oh man, I almost cried. This is too good.
I work in a complex with about ten retail shops, and there is just a single set of employee's bathrooms for the whole complex. It was fine for years, but the wooden board behind the urinal has degraded into a graffiti war after somebody wrote 'STOP PISING ON DA FLOOR DIKHEADS(sic)'
I work in a complex with about ten retail shops, and there is just a single set of employee's bathrooms for the whole complex. It was fine for years, but the wooden board behind the urinal has degraded into a graffiti war after somebody wrote 'STOP PISING ON DA FLOOR DIKHEADS(sic)'